My Monstrosi-tree

Those plastic trees!
I do not like those so-called trees!

Do you like artificial trees?

I do not like the tree-farm-killers.
I do not like the land-fill-fillers.

Would you if they came with pine scent?

I would not like them with pine scent.
I would not like them with eau de menthe.
I do not like their fake feel.
I do not like that they aren’t real.

Would you like if they saved time?
Would you like if they decreased grime?

I do not care if their time is less.
I do not care if they stop a mess.
I do not want to store a “tree”.
I have no basement or space free.
I do not like those plastic trees.
I do not want a monstrosity.

Would you if there were no stringing lights?
Would you if there was no navigating heights?

No avoiding lights.
No toppling heights.
No time of less.
No decreased mess.
I would not like them with pine scent.
I would not like them with eau de menthe.
I would not buy a plastic tree.
I do not like them, let me be!

20% off a tree!
Would you, could you, for $12.33?

If you will let me be,
I will try one.
You will see.

I don’t mind this plastic tree.
It’s true it’s sort of a monstrosity.
But it saves us loads of holiday time.
It makes clean up involve no grime.

And hubby need not swear ’bout lights.
And kids do not fear toppling heights.
And no more car for our tree.
It is so convenient so you see.

So I will display a fiber-optic tree.
3 feet tall. Just right for me.
I will not brave the rain each year.
My tree is picked. I have no fear.
I’ll burn a fresh pine scent.
We’ll rejoice over how little we spent.

I do so like my little tree
Thank you!
Thank you!

A 3-foot, fiber-optic tree
Not for all, but Works For Me!

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  1. Killer amusing!
    Two thumbs up!

  2. Too funny!

    And I’ve given into the siren call of the fake tree. Mine’s made in China – I wonder what they think as they box up our plastic Christmas trees?

  3. Oh you are hilarious! I’m wondering how long it took you to write that. ๐Ÿ™‚ Coincidentally, my kid has been following me around today, reading that same book to me and I think I’m going nuts.

  4. Nice channeling of Dr. Seuss.

    I can’t rhyme to save my life. I’m totally dependent on my wife. (get it?)

  5. oh. my. gosh. I loved every word of this!! haha… fantastic!!

    hmm… you left out the part of being crazy allergic to the real deal and breaking out in hives… haha… oh wait, that’s me ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. I love Dr. Seuss! Your rendition was completely side-splitting. Bravo!

  7. I love this.

    You are awesome ๐Ÿ™‚ This would take me a year to write…maybe 2.

    That’s an awesome price!

    We’ve done plastic for the past few years.

  8. Fantastic! I had to Stumble this post!

    And, I felt the same way until we got our plastic tree. Oh, how I love a fake pre-lit tree.

  9. Ha! Ha! Ha! (or maybe Ho! Ho! Ho?)

    That was fantastic.

    (I had a live christmas tree – norfolk pine – in a pot for a few years, but it eventually got too big to bring inside. It is still thriving in the backyard of our old house Now we have a monstrosi-tree.)

  10. You never disappoint….that was perfect!!

    We are a fake tree kind of family…..we usually get sick when real ones are brought into the house…..finally the doc told us to skip the real trees, more than likely that is what was making us sick!!

  11. Okay, you’ve had WA-A-AY too much time on your hands! Of course, you spent much less time decorating this year, so that makes sense!! VERY creative and funny!!

  12. Giggle! I love it! Thanks for coming by my blog, I guess instead of dating your lights you can date your tree! ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. Ha! I love the poem!

    I grew up with fake trees and they were just fine. Super easy! My husband has NEVER had a fake tree and refuses to do so, which is fine by me. I like a real tree too.
    But now that he is the one to string the lights every year he is rethinking his plan. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  14. Your poem is magnifique (even if I am a died-in-the-wool fan of the authentic, fresh-cut balsam).

    And i hope you know I love your blog even if I didn’t mention it in my lists the other day.

    The no mess/no lights on a fake tree does sound tempting…

  15. Bravo!!

    Impressive, but I still can’t take fake..

  16. wow – that beats my $17 one from Target, without lights! :-p We’ve always done fake too with all the allergies and stuff!

  17. I’m so glad you posted on my blog today (the 101 list is realy a lot of fun.. even if I’m not entirely sure I’ll get done in 1001 days) just so I could find this witty little blog! You are very funny. I grew up w/ fake, dh w/ real. I’d just as soon decorate my potted ficus that’s like 100 yrs old… oh well!

  18. Fabulous!! I absolutely love it!

  19. AWESOME poem! Yey you!

    My friend Susie was going to toss out her fake tree, but I took it instead, still wondering if I could be a person who owns a fake tree. Turns out I can! It’s great–I don’t spend all my time worrying if it’s going to dry out and start a fire. It saved money and I didn’t have to chop down a tree!
    I think it’s working for me too.

  20. We went to the prelit tree years ago because my allergies! Now I just spray “fresh pine” scent on it! LOL

    Merry Christmas to you and yours!

  21. BWAHAHAHA. My parents are VERY pro-fake tree. They’ve always ahd a fake tree – which I think is why I always yearned for a fresh tree as a kid. Now that I’m a grown up and do the fresh tree struggle I’m not going back.

    I liken the difference between people who love motorboats and the people who love sailboats. The sailboat is a labor of love (as is the real tree) whereas the motorboat is easier and faster. And yet hte people who have sailboats always condescend to people who believe in the fake tree! Wow – I must be really tired. This is the worst comment ever.

    Moving right along …

  22. Oh.My.Gosh. I can’t believe you wrote that poem all by yourself! That was great! Except for the fact that you bought a PLASTIC tree! Tee hee hee hee. At least it’s small. Maybe The Flash can pirouette with it in the off-season.

  23. This is the cutest thing ever!

    Last year, I got my first ever fake tree. It wasn’t as painful as I thought that it would be.

  24. You are too funny!


    We always display a fake tree. Real ones inside of houses are fire hazards!

  25. OMG! That was amazing!
    I had fake trees all my life, until I met hubby. He’s a real tree man.

  26. LOL–I love this!

    we are a real tree family here but your story has me thinking–could I would I ๐Ÿ˜‰

  27. Very, very creative!!

    I so love the idea of a real tree – the trekking to the woods (because here, for $10, you can get a permit to go into an actual national forest and cut whatever tree you want down!) the making of the memories but my ability to have needles dropping all season completely ruins it for me.

    Thanks for stopping by the henhouse!

  28. You are sooooo clever! Love it! We also succumbed to the fake tree last year. It was tough at first, but I’ve made my peace with it.

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