What does “gender variance” mean?
When a young girl wants to wear pants, play in the dirt and push construction vehicles, these days she is often referred to as a “tom boy”. When a little boy wants to wear a dress, play with Barbies, or grow his hair, he is called “gay”, a “fairy” or any number of truly unsavory terms. Both of these children, however, are displaying gender non-conforming tendencies. According to that society’s gender expectations, the child is non-conforming.
When a child feels that their biological sex does not match the gender that they know they should be, the child is transgender.
There are several things to note when discussing the meaning of gender non-conforming and transgender:
Gender roles and expectations differ by culture. When we were bringing our son home from Korea, we had a very difficult time finding him a traditional outfit that was NOT pink. Pink means light red, which is a boy’s color in that culture. Check out this article about the change of pink to be a “girl’s color” over time.
Gender roles and expectations change over time. Women in the workplace was a completely gender non-conforming action less than a hundred years ago in this culture. Even female teachers were expected to only work if they were unmarried (that would put me out of job!).
Being gender non-conforming is NOT about sexuality. To assume that a five year old boy who loves to make believe princesses is “gay” is unfair, since he most likely has no sexual preference at that early age in his life. He may later realize that he has a sexual preference for males. Do not assume that a gender non-conforming or transgender child is (or will be) homosexual.
What is my personal connection to this topic?
Three of my favorite students of all times have been boys who are gender non-conforming. I have created countless social stories and token boards about fairies, Disney princesses, and Barbies. One of my favorite social stories was about when it is appropriate for one of my boys to dance to the Nutcracker and meditate in class.
In addition, I come from a long line of gender non-conforming women:
- My great-grandmother attended UC Berkeley at a time when very few women attended college (she did not, however, graduate)
- My grandmother received a bachelor’s degree at a time when that was very rare.
- My mother graduated from UC Berkeley with a science degree, in spite of getting married at age 19. She was also one of only a few women in her dental school. She gave birth to me half way through school, but continued without a break.
- And I… I would certainly be considered gender non-conforming in another generation. Although married, I am the only income source for our family. I do all the yard work for the family (although this isn’t a very fair statement since I also do all the housework!). I even know how to use a hammer and screwdriver.
My husband also considers himself to be gender non-conforming. He has embraced being a stay-at-home dad, even before he became disabled. When we decided that we wanted to adopt a second child, he even felt that he wanted a daughter so badly that his “ovaries hurt”.
How does gender variance relate to special education?
Did you know that gender variance is over seven times more likely in children diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders? And children with Attention Deficit Disorder are over six times more likely to display gender variance. These two sub-groups make up a significant portion of the students on my caseload (over 30%). I am curious to know if there is actually an increased likelihood in these populations OR if these populations are less inhibited by societal expectations and therefore feel free to “do what they feel”.
From personal experience, 5/5 boys that I have known with obvious gender variance were all also receiving speech/language services. This population effects me every day. And whether you realize it or not, it most likely affects you too!
I have also found that my students who display non-gender conforming and transgender tendencies also often have difficulties with pronouns. I have come to believe that he/she terms are just not very meaningful to them and that is why they are more difficult to learn.
In spite of the fact that we encounter gender non-conforming and transgender youth in our schools and communities, there are many parts of education and teaching language that are negative towards this population. For example:
- Our language (and many others) uses gender specific pronouns that can be confusing and frustrating for those who do not identify with this pronoun.
- Our language/society categorizes clothing by boy and girl clothing.
- Our language/society labels colors and boy and girl colors.
- Our language/society tries to determine boy and girl toys.
How can we support gender non-conforming and transgender youth in the schools?
Most of these ideas come from the Silvia Rivera Law Project:
- Educate staff and students about gender issues.
- Promote tolerance and diversity. The students at my school have not only been “tolerated” but are sometimes actually celebrated by their peers for their interests in Barbies, Nutcracker dances, and fairies. This amazing culture has been the result of several amazing teachers embracing these students and helping others to embrace them as well.
- Avoid gender stereotypes. Don’t assume that certain clothes should go to the girls/boys and never choose a color based on gender.
- Create gender neutral spaces. These should certainly include restrooms that do not force children to choose a biological gender versus a identify gender. These also include not lining up or grouping students according to their biological gender.
- Respect the pronoun choice that the student feels best reflects them. If a anatomically male student wants to be referred to as “she”, do not argue or question it. It may require stopping to think closely before speaking, but honor their identify.
- Do not assign roles for role plays or other activities based on a child’s biological sex.
- Create social stories that the student can identify with, regardless of gender.
- Use incentives that motivate the student, regardless of whether they seem like a “girl” or “boy” item.
- And MOST importantly, enjoy and educated all students as individuals with different likes, dislikes, and identities!
(Amazon disclaimer)
This post was inspired by the book “Raising My Rainbow“, which my husband had insisted that I read, as well as my amazing students. The post is dedicated to my husband, who is very passionate about this topic and encouraging me to write this post for months.
This is such an important topic. We need to support the right to be creative and express out individuality. We put so many constraints on people, but SLPs, I think, have the opportunity to really listen and allow for unique expression. (I’ve lived this as a non-feminine feminist, married to a male nurse, raised by a W.A.S.P./pilot mother and raising 2 kids that are allies to many LBGQT individuals). Thank you for the post!!
Dear Linda, I think I love you. Thank you for your encouraging words!! I have been pretty nervous about how people would respond to this post. Thank you for making the first comment so positive!
🙂
I am now an SLP, but several years ago when I taught ore-k I had a young boy with a quiet demeanor and unsure attitude for the first several weeks of school until he discovered the dress up clothes. Soon he would don a dress and tiara and twirl and laugh and then sing with the most beautiful soprano voice that would rival any Disney Princess and make up a tune on the spot. Trust me this boy was Broadway bound. Amazingly his best friend was the son of a dad who was serving in Iraq and whose grandad took him hunting often. This rough and tumble young man would don a dress in staunch support of his buddy and then proceed to play trucks, super heroes and army without thinking twice. This unlikely duo was truly remarkable and a testament to what children can be when not saddled with society’s expectations and stereotypes of gender roles. I nearly cried the day he told me couldn’t sing anymore because his mommy told him boys don’t sing like a princess. I told him at home he must follow mummy’s rules but at school we loved whatever voice came out. I often wonder how he is doing and hope he has encountered teachers such as the ones you work with and more friends like his loyal preschool buddy. Thank you for an important post.
Julie, your story was so touching! I think my husband teared up when I read it to him. I KNOW he said, “Oh no!!” when I read him about the part about the little guy’s mom. I have a student just like this little boy. He is still certainly Broadway bound!
Great post! Thank you!
Well said, my friend!
Carrie Manchester recently posted…Speech Room Staples {Linky}
Very educational and well written
Thank you !
Very well said! I LOVE and totally agree with your idea that our kids are less aware of social expectations and so just do what they feel. My family are pretty open minded and growing up I and my siblings and cousins knew that our family would support us and go out of their way to help us in whatever we wanted to do, and we were praised for our efforts as well as our achievements – which looking back did create some hilarious but very fun memories. I remember once my Grandma returned from a trip with a skateboard for my boy cousin and a princess dress for me – we played with our gifts for a short time then swapped and I was returned home covered in scrapes from an afternoon on (and falling off) the skateboard and my cousin was wearing my princess dress – we had so much fun! So when I went to uni and was told it was odd that I always wore trousers and never a skirt and that I did not like pink clothes; and when I started to work in schools and the teachers were constantly telling the 4 year old boys that the tu-tu in the dress up corner was for girls only! this all took me by surprise when I realised that many people were not just allowed to do whatever made them happy! I wish more people were not scared to be different from the crowd!
Katy recently posted…Simply Keep Talking!
What a great, thought-provoking post! I never really made the connection about why students who demonstrate gender variance also would demonstrate issues with pronouns, but it makes perfect sense! Thank you for being such a wonderful ally and pioneer in so many ways! This was a great post, and definitely one I’ll be thinking about for a long time. Thank you!
Thanks! A very good point – well said! I always try to get the kids to play with what they want to play with regardless of whether they are a boy or a girl. I actually work with a little boy who is 4 years old and since I met him in August he has consistently chosen pink as his favorite color during games etc. I was surprised and a little sad last week when I asked what color counter he would like for the game and he replied “Blue, Daddy said my favorite color is blue now”
Katy recently posted…Simply Keep Talking!
oh! sorry to post twice – I really wanted to comment but after I did it did not show up and I thought it had not worked and I didn’t have time to write the same comment out again so I just did another quick one! and now you have 2 from me 🙂
Katy recently posted…Simply Keep Talking!
Insightful and thought-provoking post! I am struggling with a student right now and I would love to hear your thoughts about him! He is in kindergarten, autism diagnosis, does his nails. loves Hello Kitty. He also doesn’t understand or use correct pronouns-reverses the gender. The underlying issue I’ve found is that he can’t discriminate a boy from a girl. He seems to be looking for a tried and true rule of who is a boy and who is a girl! I find this to be a challenge to address without using stereotypes and I definitely can’t delve into the anatomical differences between genders in a public school setting!! So, how do I teach the concepts of “boy” and “girl” and the accompanying pronouns while still respecting his individuality and not falling into a pattern of gender stereotypes? Any thoughts or ideas?? Thanks for a beautifully-written post!
I am an SLP in special ed preschool setting. I frequently work with children who need to develop accurate use of 3rd person pronouns. I struggle with doing so without falling into the trap of reinforcing stereotypes of the gender binary. So often I’ll show a picture of a child (or animal!) with long hair and wearing a skirt and ask the child to describe the picture, looking for the child to say, “she is…” However, that’s reinforcing the notion that only girls wear skirts or have long hair. I’m looking for different ways to address pronouns without falling into this trap. Any ideas?